little beluga

the latest question people ask these days?
"what's your biggest fear in becoming a mom?"

my biological mom left when i was just months old - leaving my sweet 22 year old dad to figure it out himself. (this may or may not have meant giving me chocolate milk in a bottle at 6 months old). hah. but though i've forgiven much, i still tend to struggle with the 'why' even though it doesn't really matter anymore. the one thing i always seem to come back to - whether its true or false - is "guess she just didn't love me enough." so as i'm asked this question, i let out a big sigh followed by a "hmm...", trying to come up with a good answer. and every single time...in the far back corner of my little heart...i always fear not being able to love enough.

am i going to walk away? heck no. do i doubt my ability to love this little girl with everything i've got. never. but do i want to surround her with a love that never makes her doubt her worth or who she is or what she means to not only me, but every single person that knows her? absolutely.

i've got this picture in my head of what she'll be like. and no - its not one of those "i have the perfect child, no matter what you tell me" kind of [skewed] pictures. its a picture of a person who loves well BECAUSE she is loved well. who serves. who gives. who knows who she is in jesus and who is not afraid of that. whose character is much like her dads and whose free spirit is admired [and healthy] - like i would hope mine finally is. :)

matt and i have both been given SUCH great examples of what love looks like. and i've been given two wonderful parents who HAVE loved enough. my dad is the hardest working (and talented) man i know. scripture resounds within him - no matter what the conversation is. my mom is level headed. she listens to me, but tells me what i need to hear. and whether im in a good or bad position, she assures me that "in 5 years, this will not matter so much."

i'm having a baby soon. real soon. and i really hope i'm able to love her as much and as well as i have been. that will most definitely be "enough."