after a long and somewhat frustrating search, we have found our home! signed the paperwork today and submitted our first deposit. i'm so excited about it i could barely sleep last night, and have been up since very early this morning looking for ideas on how to put a house together. [this is huge as my sleep is pretty important to me these days.] if all goes well [and by all, i basically mean the inspection] we should be in no later than mid-may. i still can't believe it!

weeee!!

tonight i am overwhelmed.

granted, most of it is petty and will absolutely iron out eventually. but i'm in a weird funk and i don't like it.

one. matt and i are trying to purchase our first home. i fell in love with one - which we're currently in negotiation on - but it is taking too long for my liking, and we've got a deadline to meet. it's being suggested that we look for something different and i'm having a tough time getting excited/motivated about doing so.

two. baby registries are far most intense than wedding registries. i cannot even believe all of the things to research and prepare for and purchase. embracing the nervousness of parenting even now.

three. i loathe school. more specifically online classes. may 1st, please come soon.

so tonight, i'm setting all 3 things aside. i'm going to take a bath, lay on my couch and read a book. i am a firm believer that everything can wait til tomorrow.

hm!

and she sings world
i've overcome you world
i've overcome you world
i've overcome by my song and the blood of a son.

for the past few months now, i keep having this dream. it occurs once every couple of weeks. the first few of them were completely identical, ending in the same spot each time - but never ending with a resolution. as i napped this afternoon, i had that dream again. and again it was identical. but this time, the dream was taken a little further. still no resolution but definitely getting closer to it.

first of all, i don't wish to share this dream, as the back story is too personal. but if i could just say...i would rather dream about anything in the world other than this. i can't think of anything else that wrecks my little heart in the way that this dream or the idea of it coming into fruition does. the one thing [besides the feeling i have when i wake up] that i fear most is dreaming it again and learning what the end looks like.

so here's to awful dreams. to confusion and fear. but to a hope that no matter what the outcome is in dream world or real life, the love of God is stronger.

today i am fifteen weeks pregnant. almost four months. i am unashamedly addicted to babycenter.com, where i get weekly updates regarding how big the babe is. the comparison is always to a food. this week, i'm toting around an apple.

my excitement for this little person grows more and more each day. trying to verbally explain the love and fight i already have for him or her would not be possible. granted, i am still terrified. i get overwhelmed when reading about how to take care of an infant, the differences between the 13 different strollers to register for, and most of all - NAMES. oh man. i think about my life right now and how its already begun to change. my perspectives have shifted. this season is really taking hold of me.

some days [most days] i feel more than incapable of this. i have so much to be thankful and excited for, and even in the midst of my fears and hesitations toward this next phase of life, i am so sure that jesus is the one that continually calms me.