well, she is here! little emery lauren blahnik came on september 17th, and our life "as we know it" IS completely different. from her first bath at home to the faces that she makes as she's waking up...matt and i just cannot get enough of her. she's is getting so big so quickly - changing every day.

i am so proud of her already. she is such a good, calm, and laid back baby. her paci isn't that important to her (thank goodness) and my favorite times with her are lying next to her, starring at each other. she loves her dad a lot, too. sometimes i think she stops crying on purpose when i give her to him. :)

we love her. so much. time with her is so sweet, and we're soaking in every little moment we have.

the latest question people ask these days?
"what's your biggest fear in becoming a mom?"

my biological mom left when i was just months old - leaving my sweet 22 year old dad to figure it out himself. (this may or may not have meant giving me chocolate milk in a bottle at 6 months old). hah. but though i've forgiven much, i still tend to struggle with the 'why' even though it doesn't really matter anymore. the one thing i always seem to come back to - whether its true or false - is "guess she just didn't love me enough." so as i'm asked this question, i let out a big sigh followed by a "hmm...", trying to come up with a good answer. and every single time...in the far back corner of my little heart...i always fear not being able to love enough.

am i going to walk away? heck no. do i doubt my ability to love this little girl with everything i've got. never. but do i want to surround her with a love that never makes her doubt her worth or who she is or what she means to not only me, but every single person that knows her? absolutely.

i've got this picture in my head of what she'll be like. and no - its not one of those "i have the perfect child, no matter what you tell me" kind of [skewed] pictures. its a picture of a person who loves well BECAUSE she is loved well. who serves. who gives. who knows who she is in jesus and who is not afraid of that. whose character is much like her dads and whose free spirit is admired [and healthy] - like i would hope mine finally is. :)

matt and i have both been given SUCH great examples of what love looks like. and i've been given two wonderful parents who HAVE loved enough. my dad is the hardest working (and talented) man i know. scripture resounds within him - no matter what the conversation is. my mom is level headed. she listens to me, but tells me what i need to hear. and whether im in a good or bad position, she assures me that "in 5 years, this will not matter so much."

i'm having a baby soon. real soon. and i really hope i'm able to love her as much and as well as i have been. that will most definitely be "enough."

matt never reads this blog,
so i think im safe to talk about surprises i have for him.
for his gift at the hospital, i bought him a new bible.
you should see the one he currently uses..
its really falling apart!
[which i suppose is a wonderful thing]
so i purchased a bible, sewed together a gift bag
and i can't wait to give it to him. i hope he likes it.

i keep reading about being able to breathe better once this baby drops.
its really hard to fill my lungs up with air when taking a deep breath these days.
i feel like its impossible. like i've lost a small ability in knowing how to breathe correctly. so weird.
i'm 39 weeks today. no sign of this girl getting bored in there, and thats ok.
i can't really fathom not having a pregnant belly anymore.
although it gets in the way of so many things - even my household chores,
its become really familiar. and warm. :)

maybe it will happen tomorrow. maybe i have two more weeks.
either way, i'm really going to miss my kangaroo-like life :)